Oscar-winning Indian music composer AR Rahman during his recent interview revealed that until the age of 25, he had thought about committing suicide every day, because he considered himself ‘a failure’.
He revealed “Up until 25, I used to think about suicide. Most of us feel that we’re not good enough. I lost my father so there was always this void. There were so many things happening and in a way, it made me fearless. Death is permanent. Since everything has an expiry date, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
However, Rahman’s life entered in a new chapter of life , when he built his recording studio in his backyard in Chennai.
“Before that, things were dormant so may be it the feeling manifested then. Because of my father’s death and the way he was working, I didn’t do many films. I did two out of 35. Everyone wondered ‘How are you going to survive? You have everything, grab it.’ I was 25 then. I couldn’t do that. It’s like eating everything. You become numb. So even if you eat small meals, you make it fulfilling.”. He continued, “I finished everything between the age of 12 to 22. It was boring for me to do all the normal stuff. I didn’t want to do it.”
Before making his debut as a composer in Mani Ratnam’s Roja in 1992, Rahman and his family embraced Sufi Islam. He also changed his name from Dileep Kumar to A R Rahman. Speaking about his original name, Rahman said, “I never liked my original name Dileep Kumar. I don’t even know why I hated it. I felt it didn’t match my personality. I wanted to become another person. I felt like that would define and change my whole being. I wanted to get rid of all the past luggage.”
‘Notes of Dream’, a biography of Rahman, written by Krishna Trilok, was launched in Mumbai this Saturday.
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24 April, 2019